Category Archives: Funny
10 Annoying Smartphone Habits
We all know of someone with that smartphone who never stops bragging and thinks its the best thing in the world… Here are some of the pet peeves about those smart phone people! (I’m one of them but I dont think I fall in this category of annoying…)
The Behind-the-Wheel Chatterbox
It’s an oldie but a goodie.
Someone cuts you off on the highway. They nearly rear-end you into a Circle K. They’re swerving like Mel Gibson on the way home from a kegger at David Hasselhoff’s place.
If it’s just because they’re bad drivers, we only have a limited amount of factual data to use during our profanity-laced outburst. But if they’ve got a phone awkwardly pressed to their ear because they’re too important to wait (or use a headset), we’ve got something tangible to rage against.
You got a free headset with the phone. Use it. Or at least watch the road while you’re talking.
The Movie Theater Lightning Bug
You know that fake movie trailer where the person using their phone ruins the movie? They’re talking to you.
And it’s not just talking anymore.
Every time you pull out the phone to text your buddies about how Shia LeBeouf is chewing up the scenery, your glowing, teal LCD beacon shines in someone’s eyes and says, “Hey, you weren’t watching the movie, were you?”
Get five or six text-happy, Roger Ebert wannabes together at the same time and it’s a veritable laser light show. Please stop.
The Bathroom Stall Texter (or Talker)
Seriously?
No. Seriously?
The Smartphone Superiority Complex
Don’t get us wrong. We love a little healthy debate about the pros and cons of various gadgets and gizmos.
And lots of techies have valid reasons to like their hardware, their operating systems and their particular phone’s features more than others.
But does that really make someone who prefers a different product technologically illiterate scum?
The “iCrap?” Come on. And if someone doesn’t like your iPhone, is it really because they’re just jealous?
And heaven forbids that somebody says out loud that they actually like their BlackBerry.
A little good-natured back-and-forth is one thing. An hourlong diatribe about the evils of the Apple operating system is another. And won’t help you get invited to the next party.
The Social Situation Dropout (A very short screenplay)
FADE IN:
INTERIOR: ATLANTA-AREA RESTAURANT KNOWN FOR DELICIOUS BRUNCH
(DAY)
Three couples are enjoying a tasty breakfast. Between bites of an egg-white Denver omelet, FIRST HUSBAND reaches into his pocket for a smartphone. He taps away at it for a few seconds then places it on the table.
A moment passes. Then SECOND HUSBAND pulls a smartphone from his pocket. He taps away quickly, nervously, then pockets his phone. Seconds pass. FIRST HUSBAND again grabs his phone and starts thumbing its glowing touchscreen.
FIRST WIFE (bemused)
“Are you two playing Words With Friends at the table?”
FIRST HUSBAND
“Uh … yes?”
FIRST WIFE
“Ack!” (First wife is apparently comic-strip star “Cathy.”)
FIRST HUSBAND
“But, I’m about to win!”
FIRST WIFE rolls her eyes. FIRST HUSBAND slinks into his seat.
FADE OUT.
Waiting for the Next Big Thing
A first cousin of the Social Situation Drop-out, the Next Big Thing isn’t actually using their phone while you’re hanging out. At least not all the time.
But it’s never quite put away either. The phone sits face-up on the table or bar, within arms’ length, and this digitally distracted type is always glancing down at it, ready to snatch it up the next time a text, call or e-mail pops up.
Translation: “Sure, I’m hanging out with you. But I live in constant hope that the next tweet I get will be more interesting.”
Bluetooth, or Crazy Person?
OK, we admit it. If you have just the right fashion sense to go with it, your Bluetooth can make you look like an awesome sci-fi movie cyborg.
But remember, to half of the world, you just look like you’re jabbering away to no one in particular.
If you’re walking, it makes it awful hard to tell the difference between you and a raving homeless person. And if you’re sitting next to us, say in a restaurant or on the subway, listening to you have a one-way conversation into the void is just annoying.
The ‘App for That’ Joker
OK, it was a very effective marketing campaign.
But a year and a half later, it’s no longer funny when you say “there’s an app for that” every time you’re in a conversation about … you know … something for which there is an app.
It’s gotten as predictable, and painful, as somebody crooning “The Gambler” at every poker night.
(By the way, we’re not claiming to be totally blameless here, and most of our journalistic brethren can’t either).
We would like to tell you that, now that Apple has trademarked the phrase, it’s illegal for you to repeat it and think it’s funny.
It’s not true. But we would like to tell you that.
The Dirty Cheater
It’s cool to have the internet in the palm of your hand.
But does that mean you should use it stealthily at your team trivia showdown to find out who holds the record for most extra-base hits in Major League history?
Not to mention whipping it out during exams (and, no, that’s not just because we’re bitter that smartphones didn’t exist when we were in college).
But, hey … if $25 in bar cash is worth your integrity, Google away. Cheater.
Oh, yeah. It’s Hank Aaron with 1,477.
The Disappearing Non-Vibrator
You didn’t set your phone to vibrate. Then you left it on your desk when you went to a two-hour-long meeting.
We, your co-workers, are sure you’re proud that you downloaded the Tag Team classic “Whoomp, There It Is” as your ringtone. But it sort of hurts our brain to have to listen to a full minute of it before your call goes to voice mail.
Then the next one. And the next one.
If your phone gets … um … accidentally thrown against a brick wall, there’s not a jury in the land that would convict us.
[Adapted from http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/mobile/10/22/annoying.smartphone.habits/index.html?on.cnn=1%5D
Ten Dollahs is Ten Dollahs!
Just something to make you laugh on this Monday Morning!
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know, Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.” And every year, Martha would say “I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So one year Stumpy says, “By Jeebers, Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, and if I don’t go this time I may nevah go.” Martha replies, “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs … and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So the pilot overhears then and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won’t charge you. But just ONE WORD and it’s ten dollars.”
They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word… so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”
And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out … but ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
CIA Assassin
Has to be my favorite CIA joke 🙂
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists…
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes.” I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Lunchtime Links 